In the spirit of full disclosure I think I have something to admit. I am discontent. I'm not sure that discontent is even a word, but that is what I am. I am having a pity party that won't end and it is time to move on! I have moved around a lot in my life, I think I counted once that I have lived in fourteen different homes in 31 years. I usually look forward to change in life, its almost as though I am trained to watch for change to come. The problem is this has created some kind of complex in me. I struggle to be content in my circumstances! At first it was because I was constantly looking for the next step, the new life situation. I couldn't sit still...in relationships, in circumstances, in homes, in churches. I couldn't wait for the next new adventure. That was before I knew real happiness.
This last move has thrown me for a loop. For the first time, I was content with my life. I was not just content, I was Happy. Life was tough for us in Jonesboro....we had some difficult situations thrown our way with our son's health and with my husband's job. But God met us there. He revealed himself to us through bible study, through healing, through relationships with others and through our church. He showed up time and time again. It was there that I really got to know God. I've been a believer for a long time. And like many believers, I've had my periods of closeness and my periods of rebellion and distance from Him. But over the past two years, I walked closer with the Lord than I ever have. Now we have moved, and I feel like God has moved too. I feel like He has moved away from me rather than with me. I am suddenly experiencing those old tendencies of being discontent, unsure of myself, unsure of Gods will for me, and even unsure of my ability to be useful at all.
The bible says the devil is like a roaring lion, on the prowl looking for someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8). He is a liar and the father of lies. His job on earth is the destruction of believers, and he relishes his job. In my heart, I know the way I am feeling is only that, a feeling. Satan can manipulate my environment, and he can even manipulate my feelings...but I have to rely on what I know to be truth. I can't allow myself to be devoured or to believe the lies. I am a fighter, I always have been. I don't take anything lying down. It's time for me to put up a fight. It's time for me to embrace what I KNOW, instead of how I feel. This is why the pity party has to end. I have to stop feeling discontent. I have to stop doubting my usefulness to God's kingdom. Here is what I KNOW to be truth: God is ALWAYS with me and He loves me so much he sent His son to DIE for me. He has given me gifts that are unique to me, in order to use me for the purpose He created me to accomplish. 2 Corinthians 9:8 tells me that "God is able to make every grace overflow to you, so that in every way, always having everything you need, you may excel in every good work." He began a good work in me and He WILL carry it on to completion. These are all things I know to be true. I also know that God deserves better than what I am giving Him. My suffering is minor compared to so many others! I pray that God will forgive me for my discontent and wavering faith, and that I will instead focus on being there for those whose suffering is far greater than my own. That I will "Resist him [the devil], strong in faith, because you know that your brothers and sisters throughout the world are enduring the same kinds of suffering. And, after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace who called you to eternal glory in Christ will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." If any of you can relate or have conquered the prowling lion in your own life, I welcome the input and advice!!! I know this battle will be a long and daily one:)